Having a quarter life crisis?

Everyone has heard of a mid life crisis but not many people know about or believe in quarter life crisis. One so “legitimately” defined in Webster’s dictionary while the other definition can only be found in places like Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary.

A mid life crisis is described as a questioning of one’s self and choices as a whole and typically occurs during the 40s or 50s. And a quarter life crisis smacks you in the head around your 20s and 30s. It is defined as a questioning of self brought on by the stress of adulthood. Of course as a 20 something year old millennial I find myself leaning toward the belief that such an event is real. And with societal pressures coming at you from all directions telling you where you should be in life and how to get there, how can your brain not overload with subconscious and conscious thoughts of failure and what ifs?

In life we all experience crisis big and small but the quarter and mid life crisis hint at a sort of reluctance of self assurance. A questioning of personality, career, choice of vehicle and friends. These moments are filled with emotions and sometimes our family, friends, and associates do not understand and tell us that we are overreacting.

Maybe the key to holding off on these crisis is not to examine those around you but to focus on examining self. Live by your own measures and standards. Just because a friend close to you in age has had more success in a particular part of life does not mean that you too must do the same.

Work with what you have. Be who you are and work at your own pace. Expect that every decision that you have made was the right decision in that moment and if the outcome says otherwise, accept it. Life is about change. It’s about twists and turns. But it should not be about going in a direction set by someone who isn’t you. Remember that once adulthood arrives it cannot be reversed. The only option is to deal.

If you just so happen to find yourself wrapped up in any type of crisis at all use your brain and better judgement. Talk yourself through it. You’ll make it out. 

“_____ Goals” 

I had a conversation with my partner about the recent turn of events with your local “hipster” trends. The new trend is wanting what someone else has. Want what someone else has instead of truly enjoying what’s for you. 

Relationship goals, best friend goals, closet goals, even life goals have become the newest phrase to slide off the tongues of people who find the lives, possessions and relationships of others more appealing than their own.

Now, my partner quickly refuted my claims and assured me that people don’t think as deeply into the phrase as I do. A lot of times they want what appears on the surface. She stated that she interpreted it as more like a phrase of admiration. After careful consideration I see how one could hold such an opinion and I don’t dispute it as a possibility either.

However, I see it to be a rather ungrateful phrase. A phrase of envy and ignorance. Ignorance in the sense that we know not the struggle of the next man or woman even if pictures tell us a happy story.

One man or woman’s struggle often comes at a costly price. Through adversity comes reward. But again, some people may not be thinking about what’s behind those Facebook and Instagram pictures of happiness.

To those people I say admire what is yours. Appreciate what is yours. And if and when you see something worth admiration, strive for it with the intent to perfect it for you, yourself and your situation. The best life is the one you are living. Sometimes what we want doesn’t want us or isn’t for us. Sometimes us wanting it doesn’t mean we should have it. 

“No such thing as a life that’s better than yours.” -J. Cole

Lost child

My Papa went to heaven a week ago today. Before anyone chooses to question whether I truly believe that, the answer is yes! I am and always will be a daddy’s girl. My fondest memories are walking across parking lots holding his hand at the ages of 5 or 6 or long talks about life for hours on the phone at age 25 or 26.

My father had a series of illness and disease in his life but the latest being cancer. He lived about exactly one year past his diagnosis of stage 4. But I’m not here to talk about that. I would much rather run off a list of things I have to reconsider in my life now that he is gone. I accept his death and I accept the grief that is to come with it. What I am having trouble coming to terms with are the simple things.

I often told myself that when I brought my first house it had to have private parking or an immense amount of parking on the block. I knew how protective my father was of his car and if he couldn’t see if from the door or top floor window he may not have come visit me often. Now, he’s gone and I have no idea what I’ll look for in a house.

I used to fantasize about having children and smiling at the fact that he would of course, as the head of our family recite the ATHAN in the ears of my children after birth. Now, I can hardly picture myself having children.

Some of the simple things I think about now that he’s gone become even more far fetched. I hated the strong aroma of the massive amount of Muslim oils that he would splash across his beard, face, and neck. Now, I want to visit my mother’s house and take them all with me. I want to smell him each day I wake and sleep.

I know that all of these things are a part of my grieving process but I find them somewhat humorous. Not realizing at the time when these thoughts were created just how crazy I was and am about him. I think about the accomplishments that I will have and the ones that I won’t. And my brain becomes tangled and puzzled. I have grown accustomed to having two people celebrate for me or two people tell me that a better try is yet to come. Those two people being my mother and father. Now, I question whether or not I will truly learn to celebrate without him.

I had a dream about him last night. I knew that it was him even though his figure was dark and shadowy. He was there and it was clear to me. 

At this point I am a wandering child looking for my father’s image in every waking moment, every phrase, every tv show and all things in my daily life. I do miss my Papa dearly. But, I am proud of the man he was. I am proud of the person he helped me become.
To Papa Haqq himself: I know you see me. I know you will read this. You were always the first to read my post and tell me how good my writing is. People are surprised at how quickly I went back to work. Or how much I’m not crying. That’s because I’m too busy smiling at the great memories you’ve given me. I love you. 

I wrote a book. Check it out!

During my senior year at University my creative thesis was a new series of children’s books. I have since tossed those books to the side. I have always been passionate about the concept and ideas behind my books but until tonight I have done nothing about it. Tonight I took the initiative to publicly publish and make available my very first try at creating books.

Considering my college student budget and lack of extreme time I will say that these books could not have been more perfect. I did not use a professional illustrator and didn’t feel the need to. I didn’t go back into my originals of the book and make any changes because I’ve decided that I will add to the series. These first set of amateur books that will be available are a way for me to mark and track my progress as a writer, author, and creator.

Any support with my endeavors will be greatly appreciated! You can purchase the book from my writer page:

 

Crazy in love? 

Dictionary.com defines crazy as [krey-zee] 
adjective, crazier, craziest.

1.

mentally deranged; demented; insane.

2.

senseless; impractical; totally unsound:

a crazy scheme.

After reading a blog post from fellow blogger Jahlil Tahree I have to say that I agree with his definition of crazy but I think there’s more to it. Let me elaborate a little.

I think there is an extremely thin line between “good crazy” and stupidity. “Good Crazy” in terms of relationships is going on adventures with your partner even when they seem out of place or believing in his/her dreams even when they seem far fetched to the “normal” person. “Good crazy” for relationships could be the thoughts you have when no one is around and you even think to yourself “I’m losing my mind” but somehow your partner relates in every way. The “good crazy” in a relationship is sticking by a person because somehow life just makes more sense together.

Stupidity begins to enter that scenario when those adventures or thoughts become damaging or somehow negatively impact the relationship. For example, you shouldn’t be stuck supporting someone who has caused you to miss out on your dreams or go into debt. That’s not crazy that’s just dumb. Like I said, thin line.

Good crazy has everything to do with a person’s state of mind though. On the other hand, I think the bad crazy is a mix of state of mind and actions. Negative, destructive actions and a mind set that sees absolutely nothing wrong with them. Where’s the good in that?

I will be the first to openly say that I am crazy. In a relationship crazy is best matched with crazy. But, I’ve heard some people say there’s levels to it. Are there?  

Winter 

Rain fall I fall leaves fall we fall to the ground all at once. The world all becomes dark at the same time. Seasons change with our moods. Winter brings the darkest deepest stages of depression. A confession that many of us reluctantly admit. Darker faster, days ending quickly. It’s all pretty shifty compared to the summer.